Music by Sam Dirkswager and Jack Wherry

Martian Hackers Distributing US Secrets to Russia! by Sam Dirkswager

Mars has been found to have been hacking the US government, and distributing all information they find to Russia, including the records kept by the NSA of all American citizens’ phone calls and text messages, and security camera footage throughout the nation from the last 10 years. In turn, Russia is hacking Hillary Clinton’s email to support Donald Trump, who is actually half-Martian, reveals a captured Martian hacker.
“We are hoping if Martian gets as leader of America we will control,” said the alien Friday. “Then we kill rest of world.”
While the NSA has been monitoring everything you do already anyway, be aware that now Russia and Mars do as well.

Flying Tigers Attack Women in Beijing! by Sam Dirkswager

Flying Siberian Tigers escaped from a wildlife park in Beijing mauled several women to death before they even got out of their cars, reports a Chinese government-run newspaper. Ten women were brutally murdered by the rampaging beasts, which jumped straight through the open doors of the cars as soon as they were opened so the women could get out.
The attack actually occurred at the foot of the Great Wall of China, confirms the Yanqing district government. The tigers jumped down from on top of the wall, appearing to fly. Hundreds of tourists watched from the top of the wall, one even shooting a video of the attack. When the park was phoned, the woman answering said only that the park is closed due to not having recaptured the tigers yet. She also confirmed that the tigers can indeed fly, and are suspected to have escaped to America.
So wherever you go this week, especially on the West Coast, watch your back for flying tiger attacks.